13w4d

This afternoon, the son of a woman I met online passed away at just over 1.5 years old. It hit me even harder than these terrible losses usually do (and, believe me, I have cried more than a few times for those I've met online).

This little boy was born at 27 weeks. But, he seemed to have made it through the prematurity. A cold, a few weeks in the hospital, and now this? It seems so incredibly unfair. I look at my daughters and I try to imagine what his mother must be feeling, and I know that I can't. No matter how much I try to imagine myself in her shoes, I have no idea what her pain is like. I feel so badly for her, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to how she must feel right now.

At any rate, it's scared me, too. I've had abruptions at 25 and 27 weeks. I was very lucky to make it to 35 and 32 weeks. But, what if it happens again? What if I've used up all of my luck?

It's not like this is a new concern for me. I met with my MFM before doing IVF. He thought it was safe for me to get pregnant again, even with twins. We're using Lovenox for the first time. I'm resting as much as possible from the get-go. We're taking a lot of precautions. But, still. What if it's not enough? There is no simple explanation for why I've suffered multiple abruptions. I don't even fall into the usual categories for risk factors. I guess that we just hope and pray that the things we're doing work, and that if an abruption does happen, it happens later, and we get lucky... again.

But, for now? For now, I'm shaken. And feeling very much aware of just how blessed I have been.